To Scream Or Not To Scream ???

To scream or not to scream:

   That is the question. Because I want to scream. Really, really bad.
I want to scream that my youngest daughter has lost her hearing in her right ear but until we see a specialist, we wont know why. I want to scream that I am not ready for my son to graduate from high school in May, but I have to find a way to afford his college. I want to scream that if my oldest daughter comes home with lice ONE MORE TIME, I will SHAVE HER HEAD!!! I want to scream that this was supposed to be a great Christmas, but my husband is a lying bastard and I caught him red handed. I want to scream that my whole body hurts. I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck but my doctor says "you're fine, it's just stress".

   But I can't scream. My youngest daughter wouldn't hear me (but that may be a good thing). My son would just roll his eyes but would feel like its his fault. My oldest daughter would scream louder and its definitely not her fault.  My husband wouldn't care and if I start screaming at him things will get broken. The doctor is a bitch, and if I ask for a magic pill she'll just say no.

   But I want to scream. That I try so very hard. That it's not fair. That my children should be happy and healthy. That my marriage should be loving. That I deserve a break from this calamity.

   But I can't scream...so I hold it all in and smile and pretend everything is fine. And I pray. I pray harder than I have ever prayed in my life that I can get through just one...more...day...

Whats Wrong WIth Me?

   I have a condition. I'm Human. That is my crime. Everyday I make the mistake of caring, and having feelings. I get frustrated and angry. I get hurt and lash out. I laugh and I cry. I love and I lose. I am often asked "what's wrong with you?" What do you mean? There is nothing wrong with me. It's you that has the problem. It should be normal to be overly dramatic and emotional. Especially when you are dealing with the kind of shit I deal with. I shouldn't have to suppress how I feel. Right?

   But I do. Every day. I have to hold it all in and smile. I have to smile for my kids. I smile for my work, and smile for all the other people who are clueless as to what I am going through. When you ask someone how they are, do you really expect them to say anything other than "Fine" or "Good"?  What if they just completely unloaded how they were really feeling. You asked for it. Right? But we don't unload on others just because they ask. We usually just hold it in and mutter that we are fine. Some of us have to work harder at this than others. Myself included. It seems to me that this makes for a volatile world. Where any minute, an undiagnosed person, with a human condition could walk into a Luby's and go postal.

   So here I am. Starting a blog in the hopes that I can vent some of these emotions and write about what I am going through. So that I don't go POSTAL. I don't really want to hurt anyone. I just want my own pain to go away or to be understood. Because I have a condition. I'm Human.